In this political and historical climate, great sex can be a quite subversive, expansive, and radical mode of dismantling socializations and creating alternatives to mainstream sex culture, which can often be toxic, bland, unhealthy, and boring. Comfort in one’s skin and sexuality, consent, and self-care are essential. There is no way to have freeing sex without actively checking in with yourself and whoever you’re having sex with about emotional and physical comfort and openness. If folks are shutting down, disassociating, or not that into it, the how the fuck can it be any good? Knowing what one wants is not easy—part of what can make sex so revolutionary is discovering what it is we like and pushing ourselves (consensually of course) to and beyond our limits. This is not a discussion of relationship models: polyamory, monogamy, or non/multi-fidelity, self-sexing, sleeping around, etc. Who we do it with and how we negotiate these relationships is indeed a part of having great sex. These preferences evolve and fluctuate. The intricacies are limitless and differ based on individual experience. Therefore, discovering which models work for us is a personal choice distinct form the issues below. An important disclaimer is that these suggestions are based on the opinions and experiences of one person, which are always changing anyway. If they don’t work for you right now, please feel free to ignore them and move on with your life.
I laugh a lot during sex: from a coy giggle, to a belly laugh, to laughing at myself at an awkward moment or just as a way to communicate joy. One may laugh solo or in unison with sex partners. It is important to relieve any insecurities or anxieties that unexpected gaiety may bring up. Sometimes I laugh to relieve tension—not get so caught up in my “performance.” There is a myth that we should act a certain way during sex; virile, coquettish, animalistic, blasé, submissive, dominant, alluring, etc. Laughing helps hush those voices, freeing me from self-defeating expectations of hotness. Sound can also act as a reflection of what is going on and as a release for the sensations being experienced; crying, screaming, moaning, and gasping are all marvelous additions to this sex symphony, enhancing the intimacy of the experience.
Roles like butch or femme or top or bottom are awesome, but anything gets boring if not tweaked or switched up from time to time. It is very easy to stick with what we’re good at or cling to a role or identity out of habit. Role-play can be a great way to challenge one-s rigidities and discover hidden perversions in a safe context; availing oneself of the opportunity to receive when previously being the provide, taking turns sucking and being sucked, biting and being bitten, slapping and being slapped, holding and being held. There’s also drag, props, and outfit sex. Incorporating costume changes can work wonders in the bedroom. Just imagine what the addition of a mermaid outfit, a map, and kitchen utensils could add to your sex life. Story telling is another aspect of role-plat. It can get intricate with scripts or songs, heck, even a dance routine. The important thing here is that everyone is okay with where the story goes. These games could challenge political and social norms in positive and smarty-panted ways. It is important to remember that this is fantasy and that these role-play scenarios set up safe consensual spaces for folks to go there consciously, critically, humbly, and with an open mind. Reading aloud can also be a un way to explore roles. Reading stories, erotic or not, can absolutely add a certain something to the moment. It gives an added activity and focus and brings in more opportunity for fetishes. For example, reading an entomology dictionary, political theory, or porn to each other adds a certain geeky quality that can really do it for folks.
Lately I have switched my focus away from stereotypical notions of genitals and genital contact (boys get blowjobs and girls get finger banged). There is so much to play with and destroy, pervert, re-name. It is respectful and sexy as hell to ask people what they call their boy parts and how they want them touched. When opening up what we consider erogenous zones, more conversations about re-imagining bodies, gender, and society may become possible. Anybody can get a blowjob anywhere on their body and the same goes for finger banging. I try not to focus on genitals and orgasms but nerve endings and what turns them on and also works on an emotional level for a person.
It is astounding how many people have sex without lubrication. The orifice foes not matter, what matters is that it feels good. In my opinion, everything is better with lubrication, lots of it. Different folks like different qualities of lube, from sticky to slippery, gummy to smooth, chunky to creamy even. I would love for more people to experiment with what works best for their bodies. Slip it in.
Sex can push everyone beyond comfort zones. Many things we are taught are dangerous or scary, nasty or off-limits can be explored safely in a sexual situation. Personal stories of abuse, neglect, self-hatred, and other of the myriad of private struggles surface in this practice, and what is good limit-pushing for me may not at all be good for you in your process. It is important to go at our own paces with boundary pushing and not to go places inappropriate for our own experiences. Many issues can come out with consensual boundary pushing; power dynamics, stereotypes to be debunked, pain thresholds, ideological differences, and the concept of the comfort zone in general. I have hope that if we hold enough space for each other to expand these concepts, then maybe other forms of social and environmental change are possible.