Telegraph Talk

By Wendy M.A.D.

Whether or not you believe in aliens, here’s a piece of sound advice: never trust anyone who says we can trust The Greys.

Okay, so MK Ultra happened. And sure, it’s a big deal. But do we have to brood on it forever? Don’t we have more relevant systemic stuff to think about, like, I don’t know, CAPITALISM SCRAPING THE BIOSPHERE FROM THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET?

It’s funny when I meet people who think ideas can exist separate from community. It takes a certain kind of privilege to assume that your community’s discourse is ontological fact.

Never trust anyone to help you who doesn’t have the courage to say no to your face. Such a person will politely throw you under the bus.

Finding housing in Berkeley these days is like dating, only worse. You show up at the same time as 20 other people vying for the same room, and all you can do is look your shiniest  while trying to outshine everyone else. It sucks. It’s worse than those shitty reality shows where they have all the suitors competing to marry some asshole.

Holy fuck, everyone! Do you realize how much smog is flying over our city from the ports!!? These big fucking ships sit and idle their engines all day, blowing smog all over the place!!! Why don’t they just turn their damn engines off?! Maybe if we taxed the shipping companies a one-year CEO salary for every hour they leave their boats idling like that, they’d shape up quick.

Okay, so there’s “cracking a squat” which means taking over an abandoned building, and then there’s “popping a squat” which is when a cis-lady pees in a place without plumbing. If you mix the terms up you sound like an idiot.

Bhakti is the mystical path of devotion. If life is getting you down, give it a try.

They say up in the Berkeley hills, where all the laylines meet, you’ll find a cave shaped like a great Yoni, which is to say, shaped like a Grand Cunt. If you sit inside the cave for the better part of an afternoon, your sexual hang-ups and addictions will be cured.

Okay, so fine, MK Ultra: the CIA started illegally testing “mind control drugs” on unknowing subjects. It’s all been declassified. But seriously, don’t we have more important things to worry about?!

Not that I’ve been playing sellout cellphone games or anything, but what the fuck is up with all the level ten Blue Gyms near the zen centers in Berkeley? Come on Team Valor, get your game on!

There are racist algorithms that have already taken over parts of our schools, legal system and medical system. Oh, you don’t think algorithms can be racist? Read Cathy O’Neal’s book Weapons of Math Destruction and think again!

Socrates was the Zachary Running Wolf of ancient Athens. The only real difference is Socrates didn’t have a bicycle. And Zachary Running Wolf probably wont be executed for corrupting the youth.

If you ever find yourself contemplating whether or not to pop an IPO, you’ve already failed at life.

Some people believe that MK Ultra was all about the CIA’s response to Stew Albert’s “crazy” idea to unite politics & culture and invent the hippie.  By associating this cool new group of social changers with drugs that render you inept to make social change, the CIA was able to kill the movement’s momentum. They also did the same thing to black communities, getting black folks addicted to crack cocaine. If you don’t believe me, look it up.

Okay, time to get serious. At People’s Park there are some predatory men who come round looking for women to sell. What they do is target young women of color–they push hard drugs on a girl, aiming to get her hooked on crack or heroine, and then after a few days of letting her use the stuff freely, they inform the girl she’s in debt to them for the drugs and lead her away. Once a girl has been led away like this, we don’t see her in the Park again. The police have been told about this, and totally ignore it (cuz actually helping people is apparently beyond the pigs in blue).  We gotta stand up for our sisters of color: if you see this shit going down in People’s Park, form a big group and scatter the slave-hunters off!

Also, seriously, whether or not you believe in aliens, if someone says they’re aligned with the Pleiadians, they tend to be all right.