Slinghsot Time Machine: 2008

Operation Canadian Freedom

Washington DC — October 1, 2008 — With just weeks remaining before President Bush’s historic run for a third term, the Bush Administration announced that the first ground troops had crossed the Canadian border, beginning Operation Canadian Freedom.

“Coalition forces from 64 nations have begun the battle to liberate the Canadian people, who have suffered under years of tyrannical free health care and legalized gay marriage,” commented Bush in a nationally televised address from the Oval Office. “We know that some of the terrorists who attacked us on September 11 came to the US from Canada. Canada is a clear and present danger to the freedoms that we Americans hold so dear,” said Bush.

Reporters embedded with the Third Infantry Division reported only slight resistance, with three soldiers injured when their Humvee struck a moose.

Bush went to war after Canada refused to turn-over its weapons of mass destruction, although Canada denied having any such weapons and repeated inspections by United Nations weapons inspectors had found no weapons. “We know that Canada must have weapons of mass destruction, because they have repeatedly denied having weapons of mass destruction — what are they trying to hide?” Bush told the nation.

Flag waving TV reporters were present at Niagara Falls as tens of thousands of American troops, and hundreds of thousands of private contractors from the nation’s top multi-national corporations, crossed the border. The Army’s newest weapon, the $46 million mobile McDonalds attack restaurant, saw its first combat with an early morning Big Mac attack. The invasion force also included troops from the 63 other coalition countries — 6 foreign troops in all.

After the president’s address, the President’s spokesperson dismissed protests from members of the international community. “We have the mutherfucking nuclear weapons — so shut the fuck up! You’re next!” He also denied that the invasion had anything to do with the upcoming presidential election. The election will be the first time a president has sought a third term since the 22nd Amendment was repealed in 2005.

As soon as the invasion was announced, the Department of Homeland Security announced that it was increasing the nations’ threat level to Red — banning all public assemblies of 5 or more people for fear that terrorists could attack public gatherings. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and monitor television programming for further instructions. All sports events will proceed as scheduled.