Great sex can be a subversive, expansive, and radical mode of dismantling socializations and creating alternatives to mainstream drone culture. We must explore and voice our own desires and learn to hear and respond to those of our partners (even if that means accepting refusal gracefully). This means finding the words to express how we like to be touched, spoken to, tied up, and cuddled. Getting explicit permission, however vulnerable and scary it may seem, is a great turn-on. Being so direct about sex is outside of most norms, but it transforms sexual experiences. When we are sure that we agree with our partners about expectation and desire, there is no fear to distract us. What better than knowing your partner really likes what you are doing? What freedom in knowing you can ask for anything, and it will at least be considered respectfully?
It’s much less pressure to offer someone a choice (“Would you like to come home with me or would you rather hang out here?”) than a request (“Would you come home with me tonight?”). There is no way to have freeing sex without actively checking in with all partners about emotional and physical comfort and openness as you go. There is no implicit consent to touch someone’s genitals because you have kissed them, or to have intercourse because you’ve had oral sex. If your partner tenses up or cries or is unresponsive, it’s really important to stop, check in, and support what they need. Be honest about any risk factors you bring, such as sexually transmitted infections, whether you have unprotected sex with other people, and if you have allergies to specific safer sex supplies. Details make all the difference.
Knowing what one wants is not easy as we are taught very boring and limited sexualities in this culture. Part of what can make sex so revolutionary is discovering what it is we like and pushing ourselves (consensually of course) to and beyond our limits. Often, people’s boundaries are related to past experience, and creating a safer “right now” can help some people open up closed doors.
Noise in general during sex is a fabulous addition. Sound can reflect emotions, aid communication and act as a release for the sensations being experienced; crying, screaming, moaning, gasping are all marvelous additions to this sex symphony. If you have never spoken during sex feel free to start small. Most people hear compliments well, and appreciate encouraging suggestions and noises. However, it’s equally important to discover your boundaries (often situational) and speak them as well. Laughter is another great way to make noise during sex, it’s contagious and can relieve tension – so you don’t get caught up in the “performance”. Doing sex is goofy and kind of hilarious. Laughing neutralizes the loops that play in our heads and the self-imposed expectations based on mediated portrayals of sexuality.
Many of us get stuck in sex roles or sex acts. Switching up roles is exactly as it sounds; availing oneself the opportunity to receive when previously being the provider; taking turns sucking and being sucked, biting and being bitten, slapping and being slapped, holding and being held, fucking and being fucked. If you are often the initiator of your sexual experiences, experiment with patience and let someone else take the lead. There is so much to play with and destroy, pervert, re-name. When opening-up what we consider erogenous zones, more conversations about re-imagining bodies, gender, society may become possible. Anybody can get a blowjob anywhere on their body and the same goes for finger banging. This can mean less focus on genitals and orgasms and more focus on nerve endings and what turns them on and works also on an emotional level for someone.